| You will be deeply offended by what someone says...... That's life. Kiss my ass. |
| Today you will die....a cat related death. better watch your back. MROW!!! |
| You'll get some tonight. how the fuck YOU managed that, I don't know.... |
| A new opportunity will present itself. Don't worry, you'll blow it again, for sure. Way to go, asshole. |
| Confucius say 'Be kind to others, at it will be returned to you 10 fold.... just kidding; they'll walk all over you. people suck ass' |
| Happy Birthday! Blow out the candles and make a wish! and remember, it doesn't matter. wishes are bullshit. |
| Did you know that the Bible is 30% more absorbent than Charmin? Quite a feat, since one comes already full of shit |
| Stop kidding yourself; It's because you're so goddamn ugly. |
| I KNOW you're not getting any. Have you considered that god's trying to phase your line out? |
| Keep masturbating; I fucking hate kittens. |
| Strive to reveal to others your inner beauty. but in the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to show off the goods. |
| Remember: fortune telling is bullshit |
| Buddy, I'm the only pussy you're getting for a LOOOOOONG time |
| Your team will lose. That's what you get for beleiving in anything |
| You'll win the lottery ....then blow it all on booze. Dumbass |
| Opportunity will knock ...or maybe it's a hungry grizzly bar..... Ma!, git mah gun! |
| In the future, I see adventure and excitement ......just not for you |
| Soon, you will make a new friend. His name is Jack. Jack Daniels. He will become your best and only friend |
| You have a strong, noble and interesting character.....wait... ...wrong person. Uh, next? |
| the world is a vampire.... but you're not. turn off that Cure CD, stop smoking cloves, and stay away from Hot Topic |
| Ancient chinese wisdom say: 'repay a good turn with another good turn. Repay an injury.... with an icepick' |
| You will find true happiness in this life....or maybe the next one or the one after that..... |
| The world is my litterbox ....like your couch for example. sorry 'bout that... |
| Fortune is smiling on you. Or maybe that's death, I forget |
| I see good things in the future. For other people. |
| Soon you will be sitting on top of the world. ...When we launch you into the sun |
| The current week will bring you much happiness. Enjoy it. it's all downhill afterwards |
| A 6-legged cat will defecate on your face while you're sleeping. and laugh and laugh and laaauugh... |
| Try something different You'll like the results. It'll liven up your pathetic life |
| You are talented in many ways. Like breathing, eating, and crapping. That's about it |
| You will be showered with good luck. ...I'm glad to hear it...you needed a shower, beleive me |
| Your present plans are going to succeed. er....fail. I meant fail. |
| Respect your elders ...I heard they're loaded and currently writing up their will |
| Crime doesn't pay ...unless it's called 'politics' |
| You will receive a letter of great importance...but what's that mysterious powder...? |
| You feel a sense of calm setting in.... WRONG! The end is nigh! In fact, it's next Tuesday. Better get 1,000,000 sunblock |
| Success cannot be measured in material goods. ....or at all. Everybody sucks |
| Who needs The Matrix when you have this artificial world. |
| Be honest and authentic and you will fail at life |
| If at first you don't succeed ...take the fucking hint |
| Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice.... ....I'll get you, bitch. |
| I predict much career success ...to a point. Don't bump your head on that glass ceiling |
| Good news will come from afar ...in the form of bombs. on your front lawn. You're being liberated! God Bless America |
| I predict excellent health. For a while. Then, you'll get Ebola. and herpes and have 3 heart attacks. |
| You'll soon meet the love of your life. Just kidding. There's no-one out there for you. You'll die alone, and rats will eat you |
| You will make a profitable investment. about 3 kilos worth ...just don't get caught |
| A suprise treat awaits you. ...Suprise! it IS herpes after all |
| Live in the now, ...and savor the hardships you brought upon yourself by not planning ahead. dumbfuck |
| Today will be joyous unlike tomorrow and the next day and the next decade |
| You will make a wise business deal. and then a stupid one. and live in the gutter for the rest of your life |
| You have a natural charisma that draws many to you. or could it be your fine rack? |
| The grass is always greener on the other side. On your side, however, it will always be brown and trampled and covered in dog crap |
| Don't fret: things will look better with time. or with alcohol |
| You spread joy and laughter everywhere you go. uh...they're laughing WITH you, I promise..... |
| Today you will narrowly escape a grizzly death. only to meet another one. lucky you. as they say 'out of the frying pan, into the grill of that truck' |
| Did you know that the Bible is 30% more absorbent than Charmin? So is your country's flag. try it out sometime |
| Always have confidence in yourself. YOU have no reason to, but people buy that shit |
| Love isn't a battlefield, it's a farm, because men are pigs and women are bitches |
| Good things come to those who wait. But first they come to those who get off their ass and just take it. carpe-motherfucking-diem |
| All life is suffering, punctuated by brief moments of happiness. I predict yours will be no different. Actually, it will be worse. HA HA! |
| None of your dreams Will ever come true. ...Especially that one with the truck full of cheerleaders. Seriously, what the hell were you thinking? |
| Don't just get mad, and don't just get even Get Super Duper Even! An eye, liver, spleen, and two limbs for an eye |
